The real reason pain hurts so much

I’ve been unwell over the past few weeks. People have asked me whether I have the man-flu. I’ve never really known what that means. I am a man, and I have the flu – does that mean it is the man-flu? In either case, it has been particularly unpleasant. Uncontrollable coughing, core temperature instability, fatigue, blocked sinuses, nausea and dizziness, to name but a few of the symptoms that I have experienced. This is not a woe-is-me post; rather, I would like to reveal to you a realisation of sorts that I had during this time.

My experience of this malaise, this sickness which ravaged me, was worsened by my perception of it. Specifically, the extent to which I believed that this illness was causing me to miss out on other parts of my life; the extent to which I believed it was delaying my future plans. Clearly, it is an inconvenience to be sick. Given the choice, most would elect to not be. But this ignores a fundamental truth. I was sick, and all hoping against not being sick and wishing that I wasn’t was not going to bring me out of the mire any quicker. In fact, it would only add to my suffering.

My realisation was this: Pain does not equal experience. Pain multiplied by resistance equals experience.

This formula applies to all aspects of life; it is not reserved solely for physical pain. In fact, I would suggest it is significantly more common in emotional pain, which can either be a by-product of physical pain or experienced independently. The resistance of the pain that we are subject to creates suffering. It is not the pain itself, but rather our response to it, that drives our experience.

Another personal example is with respect to injury. Like being sick, an injury is a physical ailment that has very tangible physical symptoms and that is often paired with a by-product of emotional suffering created through resistance. Over the past few years, I have been plagued by pain in my right wrist, stemming initially from an injury sustained through swimming. Only this year has it started to come right. Doom-casting the many ways in which this injury could forever ruin my future certainly has not made for a very enjoyable internal experience. Will I ever be able to swim the same distances again? What if the pain never goes away? How stupid could I be to let it happen in the first place? Resistance was being piled on.

If this sounds familiar, don’t worry – it turns out, you’re probably human. It’s completely normal behaviour. But it’s not particularly healthy. Once a negative thought is seeded, it can grow, and grow, and grow. But it doesn’t have to. You can determine your experience. You may not be able to control the level of pain that you are subject to, but you can control how much resistance you apply to that pain.

So, here’s the antidote. In place of resistance, try instead the path of acceptance. When somebody cuts you off in traffic, try not to mumble to yourself for the next minute how horrible they are. Accept that the situation has happened and move on. When you’re overloaded with work, don’t catastrophise how the next six months will be unbearable. Think about the task that you’re working on in that moment and then move onto the next task.

One of the simplest ways to achieve acceptance is by residing in the present moment. When you are truly present, the spiral of negativity stops. If you do it right, the thoughts don’t have a ramp to begin with. Journaling, meditation, and breathwork are all simple and effective methods to achieve a state of presence. And while they are different, they share a similar attribute – your mind is focused entirely on what you are doing in that moment.

Next time you have an experience of pain, whether emotional or physical, try this: Notice your resistance and then bring yourself back to the present moment. It is not pain that drives your experience, but rather the resistance to your pain. Release your resistance and, ultimately, the suffering disappears.